March 12th, 2009 at 10:38am
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Youre a law-abiding, tax paying member of society. People respect you, youre generally happy with life (aside from minor annoyances), and you practice fairly good self control at work and home. But when you get behind the wheel of your car, you change. You become a horn-blasting tailgater with no patience and a lot of anger.
In your mind, youre running late and everyone is in your way. Youre convinced that other drivers are rude, oblivious and out to make you miserable. You tell yourself this is irrational and that people are simply trying to get to their destinations but you cant control your impulses and end up feeling your blood pressure rise, tension increase and aggression build. Before you know it, youre cutting off drivers and giving them the international signal.’
Recently, doctors of psychiatry at the University of Chicagos medical school discovered yet another new disorder to describe the aggressive, angry tailgaters on the highway. The new disorder is called intermittent explosive disorder and it involves multiple outbursts which can include threats or aggressive actions and property destruction. The outbursts are generally out of proportion to the event.
According to doctors, the disorder is fairly common and affects up to 16 million Americans, and the disorder first appears during adolescence around the age of 14. The disorder involves inadequate production of serotonin, a mood-altering relating brain chemical (often referred to as a natural happy drug).
Is this disorder really as common as discovered or is it just the tip of the societal iceberg an indicator of the stress people feel? More research needs to be done into the affects of stress on the brain chemical, serotonin. Perhaps long periods of stress depress the system and cause intermittent explosive disorder, or perhaps not as many people have the disorder theyre just taking their life frustrations out on the road because the highway is more anonymous and no one will know its them.
Whether this disorder is common or not, we can make our travels on the road less dangerous. If we stop and think about how dangerous it is to operate a motor vehicle and how one small error can end our lives or the lives of others, we might think about our intolerable actions on the road.
Ask yourself when youre running late if its really important to beat the car in front of you to the next set of lights. Is it worth cutting off other drivers and making them angry? Is speeding worth it? Do you feel calm, cool and collected when someone cuts you off or you feel like ramming your vehicle into their back bumper? Its not worth it.
What can you do to make your commute more pleasant, then? Think of your car as a refuge - a traveling oasis, not simply a machine to get you from point A to point B. Next time you plan a trip, equip your car with the following things to make your adventure more interesting and relaxing: calming music CDs or books or seminars on tape, easy finger snacks, bottled water and any other things that would make the trip less taxing.
If you find that your emotions are out of control while driving or elsewhere, you should seek the services of a medical professional as you may suffer from intermittent explosive disorder.
For most of us, we simply need to practice more self-control. Nothing is worth risking your life, not even being late for your own wedding.
Lisa Rickwood, BFA, Professional Business Coach, is an accomplished visual artist, speaker and small business and author of the book, Escape The Pace. Learn how to master stress for professional and personal success by visiting: http://www.escapethepace.com
Author: Lisa Rickwood
Keywords: road rage, anger management, stress, commuter stress, aggressive drivers, driving and stress
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March 12th, 2009 at 10:38am
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Anger is an emotional feeling and an expression which we all have from time to time. Each and every one of us reacts to anger differently. Some people may feel a great urgency to smash something, some people shouts at the top of their lungs to vent their anger while others will remain silent throughout the entire time.
Anger can lead to destructive consequences. Sadly, most people do not have any form of training or instruction on how to deal with these emotions. As a result, you often see tragedies happening in the news or on TV about how someone who is angry decided to do terrible things to others.
There are many ways to mange your anger effectively and here are a few simple methods you can try
1. Create a destructive outlet.
I know many anger management experts would tell you to control your emotions when angry however it is easier said than done and not always possible.
My way of managing way is to identify a destructive outlet where I can vent my anger without damaging anything or anyone. For me it is a small corner of my bedroom. For you, it could be anywhere in your toilet, the park. Basically somewhere where you would feel peace and quiet and have a moment to yourself.
2. Acknowledge Your Anger
One thing Ive learned from anger management experts is to know when you are angry.
In order to control your anger, the first step is to identify it. Only when you identify the emotion, can you take steps to control it. It makes sense, does it?
To identify your anger, you have to know what things or events make you angry easily. This depends on the individual and you have to explore it on your own.
Let me give you an example. My wife used to be easily angry whenever the house is dirty because she likes cleanliness. The slightest dirt on the floor will make her irate and she will start shouting and screaming
Since identifying the cause of her anger, she is now better able to manage it and no longer starts to scream and shout.
One last thing I like to add is anger isnt necessarily bad. It really depends on how people handle it. Learning how to identify and overcome your anger will give you an advantage over the majority of people and can assist you in your family and work life as well.
Ricky Lim runs a self improvement site. Visit his site today for more anger management tips and anger management workshops.
Author: Ricky Lim
Keywords: anger, anger management, anger mangement course, angry, mange anger, self improvement, cope with ang
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March 12th, 2009 at 10:38am
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Anger is a natural human emotion, thus a normal reaction of a person to external stimulus. Yet, if not well managed, anger can cause a lot of troubles such as conflicts at workplace, fights in the family, rejection of others, loneliness. Anger damages personal relationships. You may say that in this case, it is desirable to get rid of this emotion for good. Well, things are not quite like this. Think of progress: why do revolutions occur? Because of people getting angry with the current system, wanting to make it better of to change it. Why are there so many discoveries and inventions? Because of some people getting angry with items around them not fulfilling their needs entirely. Aristotle had some great words about anger:
Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybodys power, that is not easy.
Briefly, that is anger management. How to do it, that is another story and it needs a lot of practice. Next time you come into a situation that makes you angry, try to follow the next steps:
1. Notice the internal changes in your body immediately after being exposed to the anger stimulus. You will probably feel your blood flow intensifying, a raise of your pulse, an intensification of your heartbeats. This step should last for less than a second. 2. Dont react yet, let your brain become fully conscious of the changes within you, take deep breaths and dont think of anything else than the anger flow within your veins. This step can last a few seconds. 3. If you managed to follow the first two steps, you are already less exposed to an anger burst, only due to the simple fact that you became aware of the process of getting angry. And you delayed your reaction with only a few seconds, not more. Now you can think: evaluate the damage. Then think of what more damage your anger burst may bring in additionally. Keep in mind that whatever is upsetting you so badly, it was already done, and that life has no undo command, so you would never ever be able to re-establish the initial state of things. 4. Now, if you still feel like going furious, do it, but notice the changes in your body. Do you feel the heart pumping a huge flow of blood towards your head? Do you feel your neck veins swallowing while blood crosses them? Do you feel like your eyeballs dont have enough room in their orbits and tend to come out? And your voice! Pay attention to your voice when shouting: isnt it funny how it gets higher and higher until a final point where it almost disappears? Hear your words: can you spot anything constructive in your angry speech? I very much doubt that. 5. The anger moment has gone. Isnt it true that you are still under its effects? Notice how much time your body needs to relax and to gain back its initial state. I bet you still feel some reactions even 10-15 minutes after the explosion. This means nothing but useless ware for your organs, a burden for your heart and veins, an additional job for your brain. Besides, this does not solve anything, you still have to evaluate the situation and take some adult decisions.
It will probably take you a while until you manage to go through all 5 steps. But if you succeed, it will be a very rewarding experience, trust me. After practicing this enough to become a habit, you can step further and try to eliminate step 4 from the process. What will happen: youll get directly to the constructive and positive way of thinking, your feedback will improve and the others will like you more and they will recognize you as a leader, able to show them the way right out of trouble. And your internal organs would be willing to come out to give you a hug! You will save your heart from beating like crazy, your head from preparing to blow up and youll protect your vocal cords. Remember that life is no more than a chain of experiments: you dont have to do this for the rest of your life. You set a time for experiment, you do it and evaluate the results. If you are happy, go on. If you are miserable, stop it and try something else. We change with every moment. We re-write our definition with any new idea, with any new experiment, with any new friends or other connections we make. This is being alive in my vision and I challenge you to give it a thought.
Simonne Matthew writes for http://www.alltipsandtricks.com and http://www.questallia.com. Visit her blogs to find out tips and tricks that would make your life better.
Author: Simonne Matthew
Keywords: anger, anger management, self growth, self development, personal development, peace
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March 12th, 2009 at 10:38am
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As humans we have the ability to make choices in how we deal with situations that happen to us. Even if the emotions that are triggered in us are not 100% under our control when they first occur.
An older woman is driving slowly in the fast lane. You are already late for work, and this is going to make you even later. Your initial reaction is to become frustrated and stressed. Now is getting angry at this woman really going to help you get to work any faster? NO! You also have the ability to control your reactions, control how long your feelings last, and what you will do with these feelings.
Having choices means how well we will respond to a situation - rather then just reacting. Wouldnt it feel good to know that you are in control of your response rather then being controlled by others? There are certain ways to respond to these feelings.
One is to change your attitude. Changing your attitude toward the many individuals and incidents that cause your feelings that in turn cause anger; Can really improve the outcome to many of your situations that have always been solved in the wrong manner.
Regulating your emotions is another way to control your feelings. No one says you cant get angry. That is normal. Staying under control is the part you should really focus on. If you learn how to stay in control under the circumstances, your reasoning ability, and logical thinking will be much clearer.
Try reacting differently then you normally do to situations like this. Respond differently and see if the outcome changes. See what kind of other response you get from people. See how effective this tool is. People usually do not expect this kind of response. Sometimes they are amazed that you could control these feelings now.
So basically, if you want to control your normal feelings of frustration, stress, and many other life triggers, that end up causing you to become angry. Then follow those three essential steps. The three steps can help make a big difference in your life.
Author: Cassidy Summers
Keywords: Anger management, control, reaction, responding, life
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March 12th, 2009 at 10:38am
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Anyone can be angry, that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right reason, and in the right way, that is not easy. Aristotle 384 - 322 BC
Angry feelings are normal emotional reactions to frustration in our everyday world. Often we do not even know we are angry until the feeling hits us. Here is a list of feelings I get when I start to become angry.
Anxious, depressed, mean/evil, furious, revengeful, rebellious, sarcastic, resentful, frustrated, irritated, rage, destructive, grumpy, outraged, jealous, aggravated. There are many other feelings that are triggered when we get angry.
These feelings you get, can also be used as warning signs. You can use these signs to recognize a potential heated argument. There is a point of return, and there is a point of no return. Recognizing these signs can help you return to your normal state of mind.
When you are angry, you cannot think logically, you have no reasoning ability. Basically you have a one track mind, thinking only about the exact topic you are currently fighting about. It is hard to listen to the other person when you are in this mind set. You say things you dont mean. You say things you regret. You have a 5% chance of solving the problem by becoming angry.
Using one of the tools I learned in my anger management class. Straight from the work book wrote by Dr. Tony Fiori and AJ Novak. Anger Management for the 21’st century. You must retreat and think things over. Tell the person you are arguing with; you need a break and that you will return shortly to discuss the matter in an assertive way when you are ready.
Say you are arguing with your girlfriend. You recognize that you are becoming tense. An argument is starting. Tell her this. You know I am feeling a bit tense, I do not feel like we will solve anything by fighting about this, I’m going to take a 15 minute walk, Ill be back. When I return maybe after I calm down a little bit, we can talk about our problem?
You have to commit to coming back, and you must follow through with coming back. If you do not come back, then your tool is of no use. Be very aware that you must return, if you say you are going to return.
So next time an argument is escalating. Stop for a second. Take a deep breath of fresh air. Recognize the warning signs. Retreat and think things over. Then come back and assertively communicate about the problem at hand. You will be amazed with the results.
Author: Cassidy Summers
Keywords: anger, control, warning signs, recognizing
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March 12th, 2009 at 10:38am
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Dealing with difficult people is, well, difficult. (Dah) Different people deal with difficult people differently (another Dah.) How we react in conflict situations depends on how we learned to react when we were children. Unless we make a conscious effort to change, the way we observed conflict as a child will be the manner we address conflict as adults.
Generally, as children we learned to react one of three ways — shout, pout, or get out.
Shout We literally or figuratively shout in an effort to correct, capture, and control the situation. We feel or fear attack. We fight back.
Pout We clam-up, back off, and hold-in our feelings. We try to protect our self with silence and lack of responsive.
Get Out We emotionally and/or physically remove our self from the situation.
Learning new ways to approach conflict takes conscious effort. It is usually worth it. It eliminates stress, creates better outcomes and strengthens relationships. When confronting a conflict situation, rather than react, we can choose how we will respond. We can –
Collaboration — Hey, lets see how we cant find a different way work this out.
Compromise I can adjust my position, can you adjust yours?
Competition Lets flip a coin
Accommodation Ok, well do it your way.
Avoidance This conflict isnt worth having
The important thing is not what we choose, but that we choose. Being thoughtful, conscious, and in charge of our response is what turns you all around. It is what conflict management (and the hokey poky) is all about.
Ok?
Bring it on!
Author: Jim Gustafson
Keywords: relationships, anger, feelings, workplace, difficult people
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March 12th, 2009 at 10:38am
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Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times anger camouflages it and covertly undermines your life. Some experience anger as strength and power. They feel it is necessary in order to maintain control. Others assume they have the right to express anger towards those in their lives. These are some of the lies anger tells us. In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished.
Here are 7 steps for handling anger on the spot.
Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you make
Anger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin. Sometimes it provides a temporary high. After this high subsides, we are left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, there are often negative consequences that have to be handled.
Basically anger narrows your focus, creates confusion and limits your ability to find constructive solutions. When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context. For a moment, allow the other person to be right. Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can see the whole picture clearly.
Step 2: Become aware of the 24 forms of anger
Anger camouflages itself and finds many covert ways of manifesting. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior. When these behaviors are not understood it is very difficult to correct them. Awareness is important in making necessary changes.
Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping and certain kinds of competition at the workplace. When you realize that these are being fuelled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.
Step 3: Start Relationship Balancing
Relationship Balancing is the natural flow of energy, support and inspiration between individuals. When this flow is balanced individuals operate at their maximum level. When the flow is blocked or out of balance, individuals become depressed, apathetic, sick and resentful. When one feels needed and acknowledged, there is no end to their ability to tap their full potential. Envision balanced relationships. Write down what this means to you and notice how it compares to the reality of your particular situation. This initial step provides a map and new focus. It provides a direction to move in.
Step 4: Discover Your Relationship Balancing Quotient
List each individual you interact with. Score each person on the following questions from 1-10. See for yourself what is going on.
a) I I feel at ease with this person.
b) I trust this person.
c) I communicate naturally with this person.
d) I understand what they’re communicating to me.
e) I am able to ask this person for what I want from them.
f) I am able to give this person what they want from me.
Assess exactly what is going on in your important relationships. Take a look at what you want from each relationship. Separate your needs and wants. Start communicating your feelings in a responsible manner and asking for what you really need and want. Start truly listening to the other, to who they actually are, not your images or agendas for them.
We can often be in a relationship with a person for a long time and not even begin to know who they truly are. As you begin taking the steps above, you will make natural adjustments in getting this relationship back on track.
Step 5: Stop Casting Blame
Blaming others is one of the largest factors in causing imbalance in your relationships and keeping the anger going. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent’s eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot. Also, remember, the best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself and the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you.
As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us. Look for and find what is positive in each individual. Focus on that.
Step 6 - Create Realistic Expectations
There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we’ve been holding onto that have not been met. It is important that you become aware of what your expectations are for your relationships. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold expectations that are similar? Let go of unrealistic fantasies. Once this is done, much opportunity for anger diminishes on the spot.
Step 7 Develop A Grateful Mind
See what different people in your lives are truly giving to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day. Take time to write down each day what you are receiving. Be grateful for that. Make a point of giving thanks. The more we thank others, the happier we become. Also, take time to write down all that you have given others that day. It may be a surprise. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger, deprivation and emptiness within. However, when we take time daily to write it down and look at it carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we look at it carefully, and balance these two activities, we learn to take pleasure both in what we have given and what has been received.
Copyright (c) 2006 Brenda Shoshanna
Find out more about how to dissolve negative feelings and make your relationships all you want them to be in The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living) McMeel, http://www.theangerdiet.com.by Dr Brenda Shoshanna. Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, seminar leader, relationship expert, who works with those who to experience full well-being and fulfillment. She is the author of many books, including Zen and The Art of Falling in Love (Simon and Schuster), Zen Miracles (Finding Peace In An Insane World), Save Your Relationship (http://www.truthaboutlove.com), What He Cant Tell You And Needs To Say, (Putnam). She can be reached at http://www.brendashoshanna.com, (212) 288-0028, topspeaker@yahoo.com.
Author: Brenda Shoshanna
Keywords: anger,anger management,conflict,dispute,resolution,emotion
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March 12th, 2009 at 10:38am
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Can you recall what anger in a relationship feels like? Anger is a learned reaction to something negative in a situation, often referred to as a trigger. Its best described as an unbridled horse. For instance, if you do not take control, it is likely to control you.
I would like you to think about what provokes your anger. Make a list of your specific anger triggers. Now, look at your list and think of additional ways to help deal with stressful situations. This simple exercise will help you to recognize and then admit to your anger.
Keep in mind that anger is controllable and a choice that you can choose to do something about if you want. If you tell your spouse or partner when you are angry, then it will help avoid a situation that could be otherwise pushed to the boiling point.
Are you beginning to see how choosing to control your anger is an important first step?
Now I want you to go deep into your own mind and visualize the signs when you are angry. Are you trying to conceal your anger by using sarcastic remarks toward your spouse or partner, wanting to lash out at someone or just feeling altogether aggravated?
If you feel hot and flushed and your heart is pounding rapidly, there is a good possibility youre angry. Other signs of anger include feeling tense or your head is throbbing because your blood pressure is skyrocketing. Stop yourself! Calm down before you say or do anything you are going to regret later.
When it comes to anger in a relationship, always try to understand the other person’s point of view. Its not easy to put yourself in someone else’s shoes but it can be done if you try hard. Be aware that the other person does not enjoy your anger anymore than you do.
Just because you have a misunderstanding, be willing to cut the person you love some slack whenever possible. When you argue with your partner, do so in a helpful manner. Never, ever call the other person names or bring up experiences that happened in the past because it can serve to drum up painful memories.
Never begin a sentence with You never, instead focus on explaining how you feel such as by saying, I need or I want. This helps to deflect some of the angry and doesn’t put the other person on the defensive right away.
Sometimes in order to keep the peace it is necessary to walk away from a situation that is bringing up angry feelings on both people’s parts. Often getting away from a situation will help you put it into perspective and then after you feel better you can go back and set things right.
Dont let procrastination, hesitation or fear stop you. You can easily control anger in a relationship by visiting this site now: http://www.angermanagementstrategies.com/
Author: John Doetsch
Keywords: anger, relationship, control, angry, person, situation, ways, help, partner, away, want, put, feel
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March 12th, 2009 at 10:38am
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Conflicts happen wherever we go. Conflicts happen at work with coworkers and bosses. Conflicts happen at home with our spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, sons/daughters, and neighbors. Conflicts happen when we are out on the streets doing our daily errands, such as when encountering a rude person at the grocery line, or a pushy guy at the local bar. To avoid conflict is simply impossible because we would literally have to lock ourselves in a box. Instead, we must learn the valuable skill of negotiating conflicts in a peaceful and productive way. In my book, Street Negotiation: How to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime, I reduce the process of conflict negotiation down into six basic steps that anyone can use to defuse anger and hostility and reach cooperative agreements. Street Negotiation was born from my experience as a patrol officer, working the tough streets of Southern California and learning the negotiation tactics from not only other law enforcement officers, but also the best manipulators, con-artists, and violent individuals out there. Ive conveniently made an acronym out of those six steps: P.E.R.P.O.S.
Step 1: Plan B
Before you engage in any type of conflict or negotiation, you always want to have a back up plan, or what I call a plan B ready to put into action. Your plan B is the best possible outcome you can get for yourself without having to deal with the person at all. So if I were to ask my boss for a raise because I need more money to support my growing family, my plan Bshould my boss refuse to negotiate with me, is to have another job offer already in hand. Having a plan B boosts your acquired negotiating power and equalizes the power field, especially when your opponent has more positional power than you do, such as in the case of your boss in this example. A police crisis negotiator may not always be able to talk down a hostage-taker, but their ability to confidently negotiate with that hostage-taker is grounded in their plan B of having the tactical team on standby, ready to go full-breach and restore the situation. Your plan B is your main source of power in any negotiation you go into, so try to develop it as fully as you can prior to engagement.
Step 2: Emotional Control
Emotions, especially anger, cause reactions rather than logical responses to occur. Reactions are detrimental to any type of conflict resolution process because reactions are impulsive rather than rational in nature. Reactions are what our emotional mind believes is the right choice to distance ourselves from emotional pain, but these reactions cause an escalation in conflict as a result. A good example of a reaction is yelling or arguing with someone who doesnt see something our way. In this example, we are allowing our emotional need to be heard and acknowledged to get in the way of our objective. Just remember the golden rule of conflict resolution: If you react out of emotion, then you automatically lose.
Step 3: Reduce Their Tension
Now that you have your own emotions under control, now is the time to address the other sides feelings and emotions. Remember that feelings need to be stabilized before the problem can even be addressed. Also remember that what you are feeling may not be what the other person is feeling. You may think that the situation is a simple misunderstanding, but the other person might think you are attacking them personally. Stabilize those feelings by actively listening to them without judging or taking offense at what they have to say, acknowledging their points, and empathizing with them.
Step 4: Persuade
After stabilizing the feelings and emotions involved, you now can direct your attention at meeting their needs with your own. The true essence of persuasion is reframing their demands into what they actually need. Positions are the demands, wants, and unreasonable requests that the other side makes. There is only one way to satisfy their position that they initially take, but there are many creative ways to satisfy their actual needs and interests. Their needs lie underneath their demands and its your job to start digging to uncover these needs. The ability to persuade is the ability to uncover their needs with question-asking and finding compatible interests that you both share. For example, John might reject my idea on a company project and insist on his own way by shooting down my idea. While his position is his way versus my way, our interests are the samecompleting the project in the best way possible. Therefore my ability to persuade John is by not focusing on whos method is the right one, but instead, focusing on our shared interest in getting the project done right. Objective criteria can be used as a fair standard to determine a fair direction to follow. Objective criteria involves a set benchmark or past decision to align your decision-making upon. An example of an objective criteria is looking up the fair market price when selling your used car. It provides you with a reference point to base your negotiation.
Step 5: Options
Its a fundamental human need for autonomy in lifeto exercise the freedom of independence and choice. Therefore, by expanding the pie by creating mutually-satisfying options that work for both of you, you can create a win-win atmosphere by providing more choices to choose from beside the obvious demands initially stated. Instead of forcing your views on the other person, create as many workable options as possible for the other side to consider. Brainstorm on possible options together so that both of you have equal say in the final solution.
Step 6: Solutions
After giving your partner as many options that work for both of you as possible, allow them the freedom to choose which option they want to convert into a solution and put into action. By guiding rather than forcing, you can lead them in towards a cooperative outcome. But lets say, they are still uncooperative and things are not looking fruitful for you. Then your solution is to slowly introduce that plan B that you have in your pocket as an alternative to the negotiation. Often times, having this plan B will be enough to bring your partner back to the negotiating table. Whenever you feel that what you can get from the other side is LESS than what your plan B is, then your solution is to terminate negotiations and implement that plan B.
Key Points
P = Plan BHave a back-up plan ready before engaging the conflict.
E = Emotional ControlIf you react, then you automatically lose the game.
R = Reduce TensionStabilize the feelings involved before engaging the problem.
P = PersuadeDig underneath their demands to uncover their needs and interests.
O = OptionsCooperatively create many options that satisfy both your needs.
S = SolutionsLet them choose a solution, or revert back to your plan B.
For over 10 years, Tristan Loo has inspired, motivated, and brought success to the lives of the people hes touched. Successful in his own right, Tristan has competed athletically against Olympians as a world-class gymnast, saved lives as a police officer, authored numerous Personal Development and Interpersonal Communication books and articles, and is a highly sought-after Personal Development Coach. Tristan is the founder of the Synergy Institute, a San Diego based Personal Development Firm. His philosophy of passionate living and helping others fulfill their dreams has continually been the driving force that has placed him well above the industry standard. Visit Tristan’s website at http://www.synergyinstituteonline.com or by email at info@synergyinstituteonline.com
Author: Tristan Loo
Keywords: Street Negotiation, Tristan Loo, Conflict, Verbal judo, Synergy Institute, defusing hostile people
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Our culture makes anger a dirty word. Yet, it is an emotion that deserves attention. Because it has not received the proper attention, it is responsible for coming out all wrong and come out it will. The way to manage anger is by recognizing it as a valid emotion with a purpose. Next time you are angry, look at it as a form of information that has a message for you. Determine the message and act in a way that satisfies the message with self-respect and respect for others. Here are ten points to keep in mind as you move through anger:
1. Recognize that anger is a valid message that something is wrong.
2. Experience the sensations in the body: Where do you feel it? What does it feel like?
3. Determine the message in the emotion. What is the message? What is anger trying to tell you? Have one of your boundaries been violated? Is it a response to protect you from feeling hurt? Are your goals being frustrated? Are you responding to feeling threatened? Has your sense of justice been betrayed? Figure out the message. Your body and mind are trying to tell you something.
4. Understand the other persons point of view. Are you angry at someone? Have you thought about or talked about what may have provoked their behaviour? If you can truly understand, it will change your anger.
5. Understand your need for nourishing people in your life. Is your anger a pattern, a theme with the same kinds of problems with the same kinds of people? Is it time to respect yourself and choose friends and others who treat you better?
6. Recognize your beliefs. What beliefs about yourself and others are driving your anger. Use the ABC exercise on my site to excavate your beliefs. Are your beliefs adaptive or maladaptive? If they are adaptive, go ahead to action. If they are maladaptive, what new belief do you need to try that would work better or be more accurate?
7. Take action. Inherent in the message of anger is the need for non-violent action that is respectful of self and others. This is the tricky one. What action is required here that will satisfy the anger without causing damage to anyone including yourself.
8. Manage your anger. If you need to manage your anger, in what ways can you do that which would allow you to continue to function?
9. Acknowledge the anger. Suspend self-judgment. Are you truly acknowledging your anger, even if you know it is connected to a maladaptive belief that you havent yet changed completely? Acknowledging and having compassion for yourself in a nurturing style will go a long way to having your anger feel heard.
10. Look for moderation. Remember, suppressed anger is linked to cancer and cathartic anger is linked to cardiovascular heart disease. Find the moderate point on the continuum for hearing and taking appropriate action and your anger will be attended to in a way that is befitting for all concerned.
Now that you have some new insight, what will you do today to bring it into consciousness and apply it. Every day we get angry but don’t pay much attention to it. Today, notice a small thing you are angry at and apply any one of these principles or insights and see how it changes things for you. I would love to hear if it had any effect for you.
Copyright 2006 Johanna Vanderpol
Johanna Vanderpol is a professional coach, author and speaker on emotional intelligence, emotional well-being and de-stressing. For more free resources and articles as well as her latest products in this field, go to http://www.johannavanderpol.com and download exercises and articles complimenting this article on the support page.
Author: Johanna Vanderpol
Keywords: anger, emotions, emotional well-being, emotional intelligence, emotional health
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